WHAT IT MEANS TO BE NICE
A lot of people are familiar with the "nice-guy" syndrome. If not, there is plenty of information available: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nice_guy. It is a title given to a group of men who constantly hear the mantra "men are pigs," yet can't understand why women constantly overlook their gentlemanly conduct and overall "nice" behavior.
These nice guys often find and pursue women, yet they are more often than not met with rejection and occasionally the phrase "let's just be friends," or "you're such a good friend."
There are many different theories as to how and why this happens. Many researchers have tackled this question. Nice guys have also published their own explanations, some involving detailed sciences about "the friend ladder" and others being rants on involuntary celibacy. I myself have written pages and pages regarding this "syndrome." As of yet, all of these efforts have returned inconclusive results.
However, what all of these studies have failed to take into consideration is the mathematical aspect of the syndrome rather than the scientific. Instead of searching for some flaw in oneself, nice guys should consider more the more global perspective. This discovery could perhaps end, if anything, some of the blind frustration nice guys often feel when rejected.
NICE GUYS AND NICE GIRLS
Before discussing my findings, it is important to classify the types of men and women to whom this study directly relates. Those who are familiar with the nice guy most likely have heard of his opposite: the jerk. Though the men are intricate aspects of the study, it is equally important to classify the women into groups.
The stereotypical jerk will often say that he seeks to date "some chick." This alone provides some insight as to why jerks are statistically more likely to attract a girlfriend. While nice guys search for a "suitable" woman, jerks are comfortable with "some chick." The "chick" is a girl who is not particularly discriminating in her taste in men. She is comfortable dressing in revealing clothing in order to get the attention of the most attractive male she can find. This is not to say chicks are not selective; however, they are more interested in finding a handsome man rather than a charming one.
The counterpart to the chick is the nice girl. A nice girl is "more than just a pretty face," as they say. She has personality, aspirations, and intelligence. She is also selective about who she takes home. Not just any guy will do (even if that guy happens to be a nice guy).
PLAYING THE ODDS
This brings me to my more statistical analysis. I know not everyone is an expert in mathematics, so I'll try to keep this as elementary as possible.
Picture a canvasser on a sidewalk. He has a clipboard in his hand and a brightly colored t-shirt and he is asking everyone who passes by for their signature on a petition. Most people have seen this sight before while walking down a busy street. If not, this person has probably knocked on your door for the same reason. For our purposes, this is the jerk. He is determined to get your attention, perhaps your signature, but his ultimate goal is to get your contact information so that he can call you later with more information.
The jerk will essentially "make his move" on whatever girl comes along with the expectation that many will turn him down. However, he also knows that with enough effort, he can eventually find someone who will show interest in his cause. She may not stay very long, but this will keep his confidence up until he finds a keeper.
In canvassing, they say that approximately 10 people will show interest every hour spent asking. If you translate that to a jerk in a bar, for example, he might talk to 10 girls who don't immediately ignore his advance. Maybe five of those will actually give him their phone number. And of those five, perhaps one will be interested in seeing him again. This math seems pretty solid.
Unfortunately for nice guys, canvassing does not make as much sense for them. While a jerk is comfortable asking chicks, nice girls, and anyone in between for their phone numbers, a nice guy is more selective. He doesn't want to waste his time with "some chick" because he's interested in a relationship, not a fling. This means he has to wait to come across a girl who will display her personality to him in some way.
Once a nice guy finds a girl he thinks is a good match, he begins the courting process (a process that looks very different for each nice guy). The one thing that is usually similar for each nice guy's attempt at courtship is that it takes a very long time. While a jerk's courtship process will take only minutes, a nice guy could spend hours, days, weeks, or even months trying to develop a rapport. This is often where the frustration of being considered a "friend" comes in. The nice guy sees himself laying the groundwork for a potential relationship, while the girl may only see him as a friend being kind.
Then comes the rejection. A girl may reject a guy for any number of reasons, just as a nice guy will bypass a "chick" to speak to a nice girl; however, after spending so much time and effort attempting to build a relationship, the nice guy often attributes this rejection to some fault of his own.
After going through this process multiple times, it is no wonder why nice guys are often beaten down and skeptical of romance in general.
NICE GUYS FINISH LAST JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
What nice guys must recognize is that girls are going to reject them. Everyone gets rejected, this is no mystery. Instead of treating every girl that comes along as the next great possibility, try to recognize the statistics. Since nice guys already weed out the "chicks" from their minds, the math is certainly different. No study has been done to find the exact number, but for the sake of argument, imagine only 1 out of every 10 girls you court will show some interest in you. Keep this in mind so that you don't overreact if you are met with rejection. Here are some tips that can help you utilize this math:
1. KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN
Instead of focusing on one girl who may or may not want you back, don't be afraid to show interest in other girls. Many nice guys fear this will discourage another interest of theirs. Recognize that girls are more likely to be jealous than immediately disregard you as an option.
2. CUT DOWN ON COURTSHIP
If you are a nice guy, you probably spend too much time in the courtship process. Don't skimp on the gentlemanly conduct, but do try to find some way of getting the girl to reveal her feelings about you earlier on. This will save you the frustration of being "lead on" and it will also allow you more time to search for someone else.
3. WHEN YOU SENSE A HINT OF DISINTEREST, MOVE ON!
Assume the worst when it comes to girls. If you catch what you think is some kind of "hint," assume it's her way of saying "no thank you." Be the first to put her in the "friend zone" for a change. Always leave room for her to get in touch with you, but let her to do some of the work. You've probably already made it clear that you're interested, so if she shares that interest, she'll seek you out. But don't always feel the need to be the one to make the first move.
4. TREAT YOUR SEARCH AS A MATTER OF VOLUME RATHER THAN TIME
A lot of times people say to nice guys "don't worry, the right one will come along eventually." Take this advice with a grain of salt. The "right one" will come along, but first you have to get through the wrong ones. Imagine that you have to get rejected a certain number of times first before you can get a "yes." Go for as many nice girls as possible and accept as many no's as you can. This is the only way to shorten the amount of time it will take.
5. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!
Now that you know there's nothing wrong with you, stop being so hard on yourself! Not even a jerk will get it right the first few tries. This doesn't mean you're a failure. Ms. Right is going to accept you for who you are. All you have to do is spend some time weeding through the possibilities.
The research is out there! In study after study, women are shown to prefer men with "nice guy" qualities. Nice guys just need to spend more time searching and less time sulking. I know that no one likes to hear it, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you feel like there's no one out there for you, then you've given up too soon. Take a page from the jerk's book and play the odds. If you keep at it, you're bound to hit a jackpot sometime.
DISCLAIMERS:
*A note on canvassing: I have no issue or qualm; instead, only the deepest of appreciation for canvas workers. I have done this work myself and can appreciate how hard it is. Please do not misinterpret any analogy or comparison I made to be an attack on these people.
**A note on homosexuality: I did not mention homosexuality in this article because I am only aware of the nice guy attribute in heterosexuals. I cannot accurately say what kind of similarities exist between nice guys and nice gay guys because I personally am not familiar with the matter.
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