Beware of the Well Meaning But Misguided Advice on Dating

Recently one of my coaching clients brought my attention to an online advice column and wanted to know what I thought of it. Here the writer described how to judge whether the date is a start of something good or not.... The sum and substance of the advice was, if it feels like hard work in the first month, it is going to get much harder as time goes on, so, don't waste your time, just move on.

In this day and age when every one is an expert on relationships and dating, it is not difficult to find a lot of well meaning but misguided information on the internet, not to mention pandering to the need for instant gratification and quick-fix answers.

To be fair, it is not just this one article. I am sure you have read many articles of this genre. Advice about all the things one should not do during the early stages of dating like revealing too much about one's self or about the previous relationships, one's financial or family problems or anything else that might "scare the other person away".

Let us look at the dating situation realistically. How many people have a wonderful time in the first month of dating someone new? Probably a significant majority. Right? After all, it is a new relationship, you are both excited to be with each other, discover things about each other, impress each other with new jokes, new ideas, new makeup, new clothes... etc. Sugarplums are dancing in your head in anticipation of the wonderful encounters to come. There is more dopamine running through your veins than blood and you can hardly see straight...

Now, the writer would call this "easy work" I would imagine. OK, I don't really have a problem with that. But to surmise that this scenario has a better chance for long term survival of the relationship compared to "hard work" is where I have the problem. What happens when the jokes get old, makeup wears off, clothes are wrinkled, we already know (or we think we know any way) every thing there is to know about the other, the warts we see in the daylight aren't too pretty, and, the dopamine is wearing off? Is this the RIGHT time to get to the "hard work"?

I guarantee this is a prescription for disaster. It may take few months, and if you are lucky maybe even a few years, before you come down the cloud. But what happens when you do come down the cloud? If you thought this guy or gal was the right one for you because it was so easy-breezy great in the first month, I am afraid you are in for a great disappointment. Unless, of course, you goal is to have a series of one-month relationships strung together to define your romantic life. In that case, I am wrong. Your strategy is the right one.

Now what do we really mean by hard work? That is the sixty-four thousand dollar question, is it not? Let us look at some specifics. For example, several years ago when I was a member of a dating network, a very nice guy said hello to me and we chatted online. We exchanged email addresses and started to write to each other. In his very first email he asked me what I was looking for. My answer to him was: I am not sure if I can give you a short answer of what I AM looking for, but I can certainly tell you what I am NOT looking for. I am not looking for someone who will do for now until a better one comes along". I put it very succinctly and honestly. At this point we had not even met each other face-to-face. As soon as he read my reply, he shot back a very polite answer thanking me for my honesty and said "we are not in the same place at this time of our lives".

I can not tell you how much I appreciated that direct, honest response. And, I know he felt the same way about my answer. We both saved ourselves a lot of heart-ache by being upfront about what we were looking for. We could have played a lot of games by hiding our intentions so that we could have a few good times but what would have been the point? Who we are and what we want out of life would not have changed if we waited to give the same answer a few months from then.

If you want the real thing, not just a quick flopping French souffle type of fling-thing, the hard work starts the day you meet someone nice and think there is a chance that it could work for you.

In fact I would bet good money that it is easier to do the hard work in the early stages of the relationship when the dopamine is helping than later on when you fall off the cloud of romance and hit the reality ground hard.

I will elaborate more in the future articles on what "hard work" really means in the context of successful dating. In the meanwhile please comment on this article and let me know your thoughts.