I've outlined six different religious scenarios that singles often need to address when dating. There are issues to work through in each situation. You can substitute 'her' for 'him' through out because gender is inconsequential:
1. HER FAMILY OF ORIGIN CARES ABOUT RELIGION BUT SHE DOESN'T:
Example:
A single woman comes from a family of religious Catholics. This is how she was raised but as an adult, being religious is not that important to her. She is looking for so many other qualities in a mate that she doesn't care if her husband is Christian or atheist.
Challenge:
Her family is upset because their daughter is not following the values they set up for her and is not choosing a mate who supports their desired lifestyle for her. She needs to respect their feelings without alienating them and still be able to make her own choices as an adult. Sometimes the stakes in this situation are high because she worries that her family will not attend her wedding or will be ex-communicate her from family outings etc.
Possibilities:
In the best of circumstances family members can calmly discuss their concerns, disappointments and desires, while trying to respect each person's position. In the end it is the decision of the dating couple about what they want to create in their adult lives. As a compromise, the couple may choose to incorporate some of the family's traditions into their wedding or agree to spend some of the important family holidays with her family. This compromise depends on how strongly both partners feel about this.
2. THE SINGLE PERSON CARES ABOUT HER RELIGION & WANTS A PARTNER WITH THE SAME ONE:
Example:
Often single people are looking to date and marry within their religion. One example is a Jewish client who has a preference to marry a Jewish man might use Jewish dating vehicles like jdate.com or attend a lot of Jewish singles events at synagogue's or Shabbat dinners.
Challenge: This might be an easy way to proceed with her goal but sometimes (despite her efforts) she meets and begins to date someone of a different religion. She then needs to decide if marrying someone Jewish a deal breaker for her.
Possibilities:
If she looks within and decides that having a Jewish partner and family is something she truly wants then she may have to break up with a great guy if he does not practice Judaism. She needs to remember that there are many great partners out there and she can find someone within in her religion if this is an essential thing that she desires.
3. THE SINGLE PERSON WANTS TO HONOR HER RELIGION & WILL HONOR HER PARTNER'S RELIGION. THEY WILL RAISE THEIR KIDS IN BOTH:
Example: Sometimes partner's have different religions. They both feel strongly about their own religion but are willing to learn about their partner's religion and honor it.
Challenge: It can be important to discuss this when seriously dating and to discuss potential points of conflict. Some good questions are: Will you attend church alone? Will you expect me to go with you? Will our children be baptized or Bar Mitzvahed? Will we have a Christmas tree and menorah? Will we educate our kids in both religions and let them decide? How will this look?
Possibilities:
If couples really discuss this before they are married there can be many possibilities. Perhaps they choose to honor both religions on holidays by having a menorah and a Christmas tree and discussing the significance of both holidays. They may choose to have their child attend a secular spiritual community where he learns about respecting humankind and the divinity of all living things. It is not that there is one 'right way' to marry and have children where religion is concerned. What is important is to communicate, respect one another and create a Shared Vision that will work.
4. THE SINGLE PERSON WANTS TO CONVERT TO HER PARTNER'S RELIGION:
Example: Sometimes a single woman meets a man from a different religion. Although she is Christian (let's say) she is not religious and does not practice. He is Jewish and really wants that to be a guiding presence in the family. So, she offers to convert.
Challenge: She needs to carefully consider if she is converting for herself, him or both. Careful reflection is important so she does not make a rash decision while she is 'in love' and then resent him for it later. She needs to think down the road and imagine herself not celebrating Christmas, attending Church or raising her children in her religion. Then she needs to search her heart and see if she will be comfortable honoring Judaic practices and raising their children that way.
Possibilities:
If she can honestly say that converting will work for her and that she will not resent it later then it may be worth it to her to do this in order to go forward with this partnership.
If she thinks she is only doing this for her partner and will resent this choice later, she needs to openly discuss this with her prospective husband because it could signal problems down the road.
5. THE SINGLE PERSON WANTS HER PARTNER TO CONVERT TO HER RELIGION:
Example: Sometimes this scenario works the opposite way. A Muslim woman meets a man who is Christian but does not seem that religious. They date for two years, sometimes attending each other's family holidays and even going to each other's religious services. She hopes that he will convert if they marry but has not discussed it.
Challenge: You can never know how someone feels until you honestly discuss it. Religion can be a personal, emotional thing and has differing significance in everyone's life. In therapy I see singles that are dating someone special and are scared to rock the boat by discussing what they see as a potentially volatile issue. They hope that as he falls more in love with them, he will be more likely to make this type of concession. I have seen long relationships break up because this was not discussed early enough and expectations were not shared.
Possibilities:
Couples do need to honestly discuss their desires around conversion. When this occurs she may learn that he is okay with converting to her religion. She may also learn that he does not want to convert but he is willing to raise Muslim children. There are many permutations of this but after they each have accurate information, they can decide how and if to proceed.
6. THE SINGLE PERSON HAS THE SAME RELIGION AS HER PARTNER BUT HAS DIFFERING DEGREES OF OBSERVANCE:
Example: This is a scenario we do not often think about. For example, one might assume that if two Jewish people start dating, religion will not become one of the challenges they need to traverse together. This is not true. Let's say that she celebrates major Jewish holidays but is not religious or observant. He is very religious and wants to keep a kosher house and observe Shabbat.
Challenge: She may have to learn a lot about what it means to keep kosher and observe Shabbat. Just because she is Jewish it should not be assumed that she knows how to do this. This is also a big ongoing lifestyle change so she needs to really think about whether this is something that she wants and is willing to do.
Possibilities:
She may learn about these practices and decide that she is willing to do this for herself, her relationship and their family. Sometimes the woman might offer a compromise, telling her kosher partner that they can keep a kosher home but she prefers to eat how she likes when outside. This may or may not be okay for him. This is why it is so important to discuss these issues first so a respectful partnership can be created or they can agree to part ways.
Summary:
When I do psychotherapy or coaching with singles around dating issues, religion is a common area of concern. It's important for singles to think about where they fall on this issue and for couples to discuss it and create a shared vision on this front before they get married. Otherwise, conflicts can get played out with children later.
Religion is one example of how couples can articulate their core values as individual's, respect each other's differences and see if there is enough overlap for mutual compromise and problem-solving. Dating is a great time to navigate this terrain. If it is too difficult to do alone, sometimes couples can seek couple's therapy or pre-marital counseling.
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