I Dated a Dangerous Man

Angela* wishes she spotted the danger signs a little earlier. One marriage, two kids and a divorce later, she knows she dated and married a dangerous man. "Mathew was always comparing me unfavourably with his mother. He got cross if I spent money on myself, and he talked a lot about what type of woman turned him on- and it wasn't me."

Angela and Mathew went to counselling, and tried to work it out but now have divorced. After dating several other types of dangerous men including the predator and the hidden lifer, Angela is now taking time out to get her warning system working. "No more dangerous men!"

Sandra Brown, a therapist and author of How To Spot a Dangerous Man (Hunter House) says Mathew is a classic Parental Seeker, one of eight dangerous men types she says woman should steer clear of. Angela agrees. She says "The moment the marriage broke up he moved in back with his mother who takes care of him completely. Does all his washing and cooks his carrots just the way he likes them" Parental Seekers want a parent, not a partner, and attract women who are maternal and enjoy caring for others. However they can become restrictive and controlling, and often lose interest in sex once the relationship becomes more permanent. The woman can suffer from verbal abuse on a regular basis. "I spent all my time thinking I was ugly and useless. It has taken me a long time to get over the damage he inflicted on me"

What is a dangerous man?

Yes he can be violent. But Sandra Brown says there are other types that can be just as damaging. In her book Sandra talks about eight different types that women should stay clear of. Basically, she says "A dangerous man is any man who harms a woman's emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, or financial self."

Sandra says all women are born with the ability to know how to a spot a dangerous man - but turn off their warning systems. The fight or flight system is woman's dangerous man spotter. If you want to run, then do it!. Once you've dated a dangerous man, it is easier to do it again and it is harder to trust your own feelings.

How to spot a dangerous man.

If you can answer yes to any of these red flags, then according to Sandra, you may be dating a dangerous man. Her solution? RUN! A dangerous man will not get better.

1. Does he push for a more permanent relationship than you are ready for?

2. Does he show anger towards his mother?

3. Does his mother do a lot for him such as do all his washing or still make his lunch everyday?

4. Does he want you to focus only on him?

5. Does he encourage you to do things you feel uncomfortable doing, and go against your own principles?

6. Does he hold grudges after a fight?

7. Does he break promises?

8. Does he discourage you from going out with other friends?

9. Does he always have to win?

10. Is he unpredictable?

Can you spot the dangerous man?

Here are the eight types Sandra talks about in her book. Have you ever dated one of these?

• The Emotional Predator: This man know how to make women purr but when it comes to commitment can't be trusted to stay put. Look out for the man with a pile of broken hearts behind him!

• The Permanent Clinger: He may shower you with flowers, but it can soon turn into demands of complete devotion. He'll even get jealous if you cuddle up to the cat!

• The Hidden Lifer: It can be tricky to spot, but he might have all sorts of skeletons in his closet. You can clean it out by asking him lots of questions about his past. If he is open that's great- otherwise BEWARE!

• The Violent: Hot and cold describe this man. Attentive and giving one day, blaming and shaming the next. It can all esculate to physical violence so get out before it does.

• The Mentally Ill: He may find it easy to hide this at first, but left untreated it is going to leave you feeling like something is not right at all.

• The Addicted: Fun may be his middle name but his love for sex, drugs and porn won't make you feel that great. Watch for the need for speed, junk food munchies and alcohol. It all hurts in the end.

• The Parental Seeker wants a mother not a partner. He'll check out how you keep the house, and while he'll adore you, he takes more than he gives. You'll be left feeling drained and worn out.

• The Emotionally Unavailable: He might say he is unhappy or almost over the last relationship but if he is still involved with someone else then stay clear. If he does it to her, he could do it to you!

Of course these dangerous signs may not come alone! The Combination Man is all too common. He has two or more of these types within him - and the more categories he has, the more dangerous he is.

Is your friend or daughter dating someone dangerous?

Sandra Brown suggests that if someone you know is dating a dangerous man you don't confront them! You can ask them how they are feeling gently, and let them open up to you. Help them turn on their warning systems again by asking them how they feel when their partner treats them badly. Women always look for loopholes in men's behaviour if they love him. If she says things like "It was only once" or "he is tired and stressed when he does that" then you know she needs help. Show her the red flags and help her get out.