Lesbian Dating - What's the Same, What's Different

"I'm 30. I know what I want in a relationship," says Britt Frederecks, a student and part-time model in Chicago. "Or at least I think I know what's worked and what hasn't in the past." Sometimes we learn from our past relationships, but those lessons aren't always hard-and-fast rules that can never be broken in the future.

"There's an exception to every rule," Britt adds, wisely.

What is it about women who love women that makes the relationship so unique? Why do lesbians so easily fall into stereotypes of drama, merging, and the dreaded LBD (lesbian bed death)? How can we avoid falling victim to these trends in our own relationships? The answer can be complicated and dependent upon your own situation.

One of the biggest trends in lesbian dating is the move to online dating. These sites are growing more and more specialized to reflect the needs of even the most underground subcultures, and makes it easy to find what you're looking for (at least on paper) in a woman.

"I have had this weird fixation on brown-haired women; I swear it never works out with blondes," says Gina Stevensen, a 31-year-old social worker in Queens. "I scanned every gay dating website on the Internet, and always avoided anyone outside of my 'box', so to speak. Then I met a younger woman at a dinner party my friend was throwing, and three weeks later, we were an item."

That relationship, she later told me, lasted over two years before her partner moved to Europe for a job. "It may not have been 'forever,' but I definitely don't limit my search like I used to."

Examples like Gina's show how there are lessons to be learned from the dating process, and that the best things don't always happen as planned. The lesbian urge to merge, which is the tendency for lesbian couples to become increasingly attached and like each other, is another touchy subject for women who have found their mates. Usually the merging process ends in a lack of compatibility, and too often, a breakup.

"When women lose their sense of self and a sense of complementarity, it becomes difficult to sustain a healthy sex life and, ultimately, a relationship," says lesbian dating expert Sherrie Woods. "This phenomenon isn't limited to women who love other women, but all couples after a certain amount of time."

For women, though, it's much easier and more logical to move in together earlier (the Uhaul lesbian) and begin a life together prematurely, since there are no social restraints telling them to wait for "marriage" or the like. And, if you live in an expensive area, the cheaper rent is a practical temptation, too. "Nobody wants to pay for two one-bedroom apartments when they don't have to."

This series of common issues are founded in our own expectations of what a relationship is supposed to look like, or not look like. We expect lesbian dating to look like a merged, fused couple, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But as soon as we see that it's okay to consciously (or unconsciously) break these trends, we realize they are just stereotypes. And lesbian stereotypes are meant to be broken.