This depends on what you want and what the situation is. However the willingness to have sex with you the same night you meet her should not be your only selection criteria. This can be difficult though if you are very attracted to her and the sex is really good, but I urge you to stop and think before letting lust lead you too far. A relationship might work out perfectly well starting out with sex, but if that is the case as it evolves toward an exclusive relationship you should test and qualify using the same steps as if you have not slept with her yet to see if you are really a good match beyond the sheets.
Here are two fundamental concepts:
• What are her expectations? What are your expectations? Are you looking for the same things? I will discuss what you are looking for, what she is looking for, and how a person's stage in life effects this in another article.
• What is her self image? What is her character like?
Self esteem and conditions for romantic love. If you are looking for a one night stand or short term fling then finding a woman with a healthy sex drive might be all you really need. If you are looking for a long term relationship then there are many personality traits to identify.
According to romance psychologist Nathaniel Branden there are several key factors necessary for romantic love. Among the most important factor is high self-esteem. In 1969 Mr. Branden briefly defined self-esteem as "the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness". Romantic love briefly defined for this book is an emotional response to what we value highly. Branden's definition: "the passionate emotional, sexual and spiritual attachment regarding the value of each other's person, or love is our emotional response to that which we value highly".
By experiencing romantic love in a long term relationship we are able to fully experience being a man or a woman. Mr. Branden also identifies several other conditions for romantic love, including:
• That each partner needs to be able to accept themselves, aloneness, and be happy being alone.
• The partners need to come from similar social backgrounds.
• There needs to be mutual visibility, in that you need to be able to show yourself and be transparent in who you are as a person. How open and honest is this person? Does your partner show all of herself to you? Does she generally show the same image to the world from one person to the next, or are there wide variations? Of course many people do want to withhold certain details of their lives from a boss and other co-workers, their parents or other family members.
• Self love - is necessary to receive love.
• There is a selfish component in romantic love: it needs to fulfill your needs, not just the other person.
• Admire complementary differences.
"Happiness Anxiety." What? You say, doesn't everyone want to be "happy" and get what they say they want in their romantic relationships? Doesn't everyone want to be loved, to feel important, to have great sex, to have variety in the relationship too? Well, no, not necessarily. If someone does not believe they deserve to be happy they will find a way to sabotage it. This would include someone with what is commonly called a low self-image. When a person with a low self image is put in a situation where they are given a situation which is much better than they believe they deserve it creates inner conflict. Some people call this "happiness anxiety". For yourself, you will not truly be happy unless and until you believe that you deserve happiness. Likewise, you cannot make her happy unless she believes that she deserves her happiness.
The anxiety is created by the gap between the person's internal self image and what is actually happening. Therefore it is possible for a person to consciously acknowledge that a relationship is good, while also sabotaging it. This is why people get stuck, saying things like "but I treated him/ her so well, better than any of their past relationships, why did they run or mess things up." Basically if the way a person is treated does not match how they expect that they should be treated, they will change the situation. Unfortunately this often applies to someone if things are better than they would expect as often as if things are worse than they believe they deserve.
Granted that "happiness anxiety" on the part of either ourselves or our relationship partner can sabotage a relationship that is otherwise very good, how do we go about avoiding this trap? The ideal is to have or develop as high a self-esteem or image for yourself as possible and find others that also have a high self image.
People with a high self-esteem:
• Have respect for reality. Low self-esteem people can be very superstitious or even delusional. They tend to over idealize new lovers or hyper villainize an ex.
• Speak up for themselves and say what they want.
• Usually had a good relationship with their family.
• Can take a compliment rather than dismiss it.
• Give you energy when you are around them. A low self-esteem person feels like they drain your energy.
"Daddy's girls" often have high self-esteem. These women had a strong relationship with their father. The father was loving, caring, nurturing, disciplined when necessary, and provided unconditional love. He didn't spoil her per se, but he taught her to be independent, believe in herself, respect for reality, and accountable for her own actions. "Daddy's girls" are often the youngest or only daughter.
People with low self esteem:
• Are chronically cynical and often critical of others behind their back
• Were poorly treated in past relationships.
• Lack independent goals.
Are you with the right woman?
• How do you feel? Do you feel good about yourself?
• Does she increase your energy?
• Is she able to work out problems with you?
• Can you can talk to her about anything?
• Is she easy to talk to? Can you talk all night long?
• Do you feel like yourself with her?
• Do you feel like her hero?
• Do you feel like you walk with confidence, and not on eggshells? How does she respond when you question or challenge behavior toward you that feels disrespectful. Is she willing to apologize or admit she is wrong, if she is wrong.
A conversational game called "the cube", and handwriting analysis are two ways to quickly gauge self esteem.
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