Relationships: What You Already Know

I've been writing a relationship coaching/advice column since March. Now that over 200 reader questions have been asked, I wanted to share some of the common themes I've seen from Relationship Hell.

Before I do that though, I should acknowledge that it's really easy to give relationship advice a) when you have no emotional involvement in the issue and b) when you're not the one who has to act upon the advice. Despite the fact that I'm sitting in my comfy chair as I dole out opinions, feeling eternally grateful that I have the most drama-free husband in the world, I remember Relationship Hell like it was yesterday. I felt like I was always stressing over some guy who wanted too much commitment or who was afraid to commit. I'd over-analyze ambiguous comments and make myself physically sick with worry. I'd allow my mood to be influenced by his mood and base my own self-worth on others' opinions. And I remember the agony of realizing that you are more into them than they are you, or vice versa.

And I still do experience some of these things some of the time, but not like I used to. Partially because I've grown up a little since my 20s. But a lot of it is learning that my automatic reactions to events aren't necessarily true, they're just my story. I've learned that I can choose the interpretations and reactions I experience rather than just letting things happen to me, as if I was a helpless victim of the Relationship Game. Life is much more fun this way.

So here's a summary of the most common issues I've been seeing in the column. Maybe you'll find that one of these applies to your situation. Or maybe they'll all look eerily familiar as you remember them from your days in Relationship Hell.

You already know the answer

I've received questions on everything from a guy wondering if his girlfriend is a lesbian, to people wondering what to do on a good first date, to questions about whether soul mates exist. For the most part though, the people who write in with questions are worried about something; the crazy part is, they already know the answer.

If the guy you went out with two weeks ago hasn't called you back, deep down you know he isn't interested. But you may need a second opinion to help you get out of your own head. Your own "monkey mind" will take you in circles of justification and rationalization that drive you nuts, so you may want me-or anyone, for that matter-to weigh in and tell you what you already know. This is totally understandable. As obvious as the answer may be, I never think these questions are ridiculous because I really do get that our own mind can feel like the least reliable source in the world. I teach my clients ways to bypass the mind and tap into the knowing source you can trust, but those are often beyond the scope of my advice. At any rate, if she is still sleeping with her ex-boyfriend she is not a keeper. You know this. But write to me if you get confused and I'll kindly remind you.

Most of the time, you can be out of your misery if you are willing to communicate

I can't tell you how many times I've heard some variation of, "Do you think he thinks...?", or "Why would she do..."? The answer is always, "How should I know? Why don't you ask them?" Again, I get it-these aren't fun conversations to have. When you asked him if he wanted to stay over and he said no, you really want to know what he's thinking and you really, really don't want to ask him. So you ask me, as if I might know.

I don't think that every little thing in a relationship needs to be discussed. Ideally, we could all coach ourselves through the stories we're making up and we wouldn't need to have the other person explain themselves. But that isn't very realistic. Our minds don't like ambiguity and they definitely don't like gaps. So when we don't ask, we're often left filling in the blanks ourselves. And that can't be good. The truth is almost always easier to take than what we're making up.

Take it Easy-if it's this difficult, this probably just isn't the person for you

From my years in Relationship Hell, I remember that dating can really suck. When you want a committed relationship, the time and effort involved in first dates and getting to know someone new can feel torturous. But that's no reason to just "love the one you're with", especially if all the signs are telling you to run. If it's really difficult most of the time, this isn't the one for you. Relationships are not supposed to be so hard. I know we can all cite a million clichés that tell us otherwise, like "relationships are hard work". Yes, there are rough spots, but cheating, lying, verbal abuse (or worse) are not rough spots-they are signs to get the hell out. If you are 22 and your boyfriend has cheated on you for most of your relationship, he's not the one for you. If you're convinced that you need counseling after 4 months together, this may not be the one. It doesn't matter that you've met the parents or that your cat is already attached to him. Try to relax and trust that this is just practice for the good relationship that's on its way.