The Lure of Emotionally Unavailable

If the title of this article and the preview has caught your attention enough for you to read on, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're single and/or have been single for a long time, being stuck in this situation at least once is practically unavoidable. What is so attractive about emotionally unavailable man or a woman? If you really believe that you want to be in a loving committed relationship with someone wholeheartedly, why is it that you still chose to stay in a situation that, you know deep inside, will get you nowhere? Do you really believe that you can change this person's mind about being with you or do you just make yourself believe it because you feel like you have no other choice?

Let's look at this simple analogy that may open your eyes a bit, scuba diving. Have you ever done scuba diving? One of the rules of this sport is that you cannot do it alone. You need at least one partner who will watch your back just in case if something happens to you or your equipment. Every person who makes a choice to dive into the water takes a full responsibility for his or her life. People who are not ready for this or people who have fear of being underwater, feel claustrophobic inside a scuba suit, or fear of any water creature that might attack them, do not go underwater. They choose to stay in the boat. If you take the concept of water as being in a relationship and anything above water, i.e. boat or shore as single scene, then a typical emotionally unavailable man or a woman is someone who prefers to stay in the boat. They may be extremely fascinated with water creatures, they love dolphins and they love to swim as long as their head is above the water level, but they just don't want to dive in with you.

Now, to see a bigger picture, imagine yourself, the one who really wants to be in a relationship, jumping into the water, looking up at the guy in the boat wondering why he won't jump in with you. From your point of view, all you can see is this poor person in the boat who misses out on all the fun and the experience of watching the wonders of the sea. You try to convince him or her, explain it to them what they're missing, tell them it's not as bad at they think, sometimes even try a few tricks to get this person to jump in and yet, nothing you can do gets them to fully dive into the water with you. They give you ten thousand reasons and excuses, the water is too cold, their suit doesn't fit them, they watched the movie Jaws the night before.

You get hurt, frustrated, disappointed, wonder what you did wrong or what is wrong with you and yet, there is one important thing you refuse to acknowledge. The fact that you're the one who isn't experiencing all the wonders of the sea and that it is your fault that you don't. You keep hanging around the surface of the water in your scuba gear, refusing to go under and experience it all the fun yourself. Sounds pretty silly, doesn't it? And yet, if you waste your time trying to get an emotionally unavailable man to commit, that's exactly what you're doing. Why is this so appealing to you? Why does the person in the boat seem a lot more attractive to you than someone under the water?

The truth is, whether you see it or not, you are not entirely ready to go underwater. You feel like you want to be there all the way but something holds you back. And you want this person to jump after you from the boat because you want to avoid your fear of facing the deep waters alone. And it's not only the fear of water (intimacy) you're experiencing, it is also the fear of rejection. The person in the boat can't really reject you as a partner because they don't want to be anybody's partner - they don't want to dive. While someone underwater can refuse to be your partner for a number of reasons, some of which you may not want to know. As much as you try to avoid getting hurt, the person in the boat will hurt you far more than someone underwater who could say "no" to you as a partner, because the guy in the boat will string you along and keep you lingering at the surface, preventing you from fully experiencing the wonder of being in a relationship.